10 Rules To Survive A Horror Movie

Think you've got what it takes to make it out alive? Not until you've read this, you don't.

Friday 13th
New Line

One day everything's normal. Perhaps it's a nice weekend and you decide to go camping, or that dusty old loft is finally going to get cleared out, or perhaps you've just moved house into a picturesque village where everyone knows each other's name and you all share baked goods and hold hands. What joys!

The next, however, everything gets turned on its head. The campsite is plagued by a woodland cult intent on sacrificing you to their leafy pagan god, the old loft has been hiding a secret passageway to an ancient room packed with d*ck torture tools, and that nice new village is actually a guise for a cannibal feeding ground. Those sausage rolls lovely Susan gave you? Best not to question the meat.

Finding yourself in the midst of a horror movie happens in the blink of an eye. So best be prepared for every eventuality just in case the worst happens, eh? Dissecting the tropes of the genre results in all sorts of lovely advice that goes a long way to saving your skin - so continue, dear reader, if you want rules to live by. And I mean that quite literally...

10. Attics And Basements Are For Losers. DEAD Losers.

Friday 13th
New Line Cinema

Going to the one point in a house that has no escape are we? Well, I hope you're ready to lose the game of life, my friend, as they're a horror movie no go. Whether it's a nasty blood-soaked Mia stuck downstairs or a bunch of home movies you'd be better off avoiding upstairs, nothing good ever comes of going in either - and far too often, characters don't come out again at all.

Of course, sometimes they're the only place to find a clue as to what's REALLY going on with your spooky shenanigans, so if you really, truly, desperately have to go into either one, then for god's sake - don't do it alone.

Best to go whole hog with this one and avoid the need to go into either at all by living in a flat though to be quite honest. Just make sure it's ground floor so you've got your exit plan covered in case of axe-wielding emergencies.


Horror film junkie, burrito connoisseur, and serial cat stroker. WhatCulture's least favourite ginger.