10 Things I Hate About The Marvel Cinematic Universe

Time for another entry in the often wilfully misunderstood 10 Things I Hate About… series, in which I borrow the central conceit of a seventeen-year-old teen rom com starring Cobra Commander and the Joker to play devil’s advocate in the court of public opinion.

This time, I’m looking at the Marvel Cinematic Universe, currently the world’s biggest movie franchise without lightsabers. Now, if you’re a longstanding comic book fan, you’ve probably suffered with gritted teeth through Hollywood’s previous attempts to bring superheroes to the cinema.

Back in the eighties, the mainstream media saw superheroes on the big screen as just a collection of cliches: it was all onomatopoeic sound effects and underwear worn on the outside. Batman and Superman graduated to crossover stardom decades ago, but the rest - especially the Marvel boys and girls - seemed condemned to their four-colour ghetto.

Today, second-string Marvel hero Iron Man (or rather, Tony Stark) is a household name, and faintly ridiculous boy scout Captain America is the hero of a blockbuster trilogy. Today, Norse nuisance Loki is a sex symbol, and an Ant-Man movie made a cool half a billion dollars in theatres. Ant-Man.

Today, thirteen movies and ten billion dollars later, the MCU is a franchise up there with Star Wars, McDonalds and Adele - but it’s not all raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. These are a few of my least favourite things about Kevin Feige’s box office behemoth: the 10 Things I Hate About The Marvel Cinematic Universe.

I’m all for a little tongue-in-cheek humour in my superhero flicks, and the Marvel Cinematic Universe is nailing the Distinguished Competition as far as comedy goes. In their central four Avengers (Downey, Evans, Hemsworth and Ruffalo), they’ve got actors who can really deliver a one-liner as well as hit the emotional beats.

But then there are the sidekicks and supporting cast that do nothing but wisecrack and pratfall. Was Eric Selvig really necessary beyond the first Thor movie, and was Darcy Lewis necessary at all? Did Scott Lang’s gang of semi-amusing buffoons add anything vital to Ant-Man beyond an amusing montage? Did Happy Hogan bring anything important to his role as Stark’s comedy chauffeur? Because Iron Man certainly doesn’t need a bodyguard.

It’s even affecting some of the villains, too. Loki’s caustic jibes and arch taunts made the character more charming than intimidating, and he was supposed to be the MCU’s central villain of 2011 and 2012.

Worse, while I loved James Spader’s vocal delivery (who wouldn’t - the man’s voice is like a chocolate liqueur), Ultron’s constant sarcasm and droll witticisms detracted significantly from the menace the genocidal AI was supposed to exude. He needed more Skynet and less Marvin the Paranoid Android.

I’m not suggesting snipping all attempts at levity - in the right place, the right line can bring the house down without deflecting from the mood. But we don't need constant snark and scintillating repartee to prove that these movies aren’t DC’s melodramatic bleakfests.

Frankly, it’s beginning to detract from the narrative. I enjoyed Guardians Of The Galaxy as a silly space opera, but at no point did I take any of those characters seriously as career criminals or as heroes seeking redemption, as I was supposed to.

Tony Stark's irritating banter, in particular, has been wearing thin for a long time. Just because Robert Downey Jr can deliver a mocking putdown like few others in cinema doesn't mean that Stark needs to be an obnoxious human punchline in every scene.