10 Things That Should Be Banned From Cinemas Immediately

7. Infants

Babies don't understand cinema. Outside of instinctual desires for food, sleep and waste expulsion, infants have a hard time 'getting' this world, film included. It doesn't matter if they're watching a Paul Thomas Anderson or the new Pixar, because all that stuff will just come out as gibberish. And yet, despite all that, some parents still insist on dragging their sprogs to watch films they have no interest in seeing, bringing with them what is essentially a confused screaming device that can go off entirely at random. And, sure as you were born, it always goes off, possibly during the most important scene imaginable. You've seen that moment in We Need To Talk About Kevin, where Tilda Swinton takes her baby for a stroll in the city; these guys' cries are louder than drills. ACTUAL DRILLS. There's no way of reasoning with that once it starts to weep. And, unlike with the adults that knowingly make noise through films, no-one is gonna have the stones to tell a baby to shut up.