The best babes-versus-sea-monsters movie The Asylum never made, Aquanoids rips off everything from Jaws to Humanoids From The Deep, mounts it all on a budget of $1.98 and refuses to take itself seriously, ensuring a gloriously tacky time is had by all. In amongst the gratuitous nudity, silly monsters and amateurish performances is the story of a big-breasted environmentalist who tries to convince the Mayor that the fish monsters that attacked the town 16 years ago have returned, which nobody wants to hear because its July 4th weekend. Mr Mayor is also planning a multi-million dollar shopping mall with some shady developers, so when chewed-up bodies wash ashore, he convinces the pathologist to write it up as a boating accident. In a movie with no shortage of Jaws references, the best has to be the Quint-like monster hunter, who tells one Aquanoid, Im gonna mount you on the board, Im gonna hang you in the living room and Im gonna count every one of them 10, 000 bucks. Then he puts his head in the water, and you can guess the rest.
Ian Watson is the author of 'Midnight Movie Madness', a 600+ page guide to "bad" movies from 'Reefer Madness' to 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.'
