3. The Maize: The Movie (2004)
Be a-maized. Be very a-maized. In case you didn't know,
The Maize: The Movie is about the maize and also happens to function as the movie about that maize. If that doesn't make sense at all, then you're feeling the same frustrated emotion as the four-hundred or so people that actually went to see this mishap. There's automatic joy to be had with a movie that has to tell you it's a movie in its title despite having no properties elsewhere.
Transformers: The Movie? Fine. But
The Maize: The Movie? As important as that particular crop is within the realms of worldwide food production, does maize really need its own film? Of course, this movie isn't actually about maize because that would be stupid; instead it's about a man walking around in some maize trying to do something in the vein of a horror movie. This is lower than low-budget fare, and it's surprising that anybody at all signed on to be a part of the production. And it's probably the most boring movie ever made, working not as an exercise in fear but as some kind of insomnia cure. The reason it's so dull is because barely anything happens, despite the 2-hour running time. The plot is summed up in a single sentence: a man in a maize field is trying to find his missing daughters. There's not a single moment that justifies using your eyes and ears, unless you like the dual combination of a man yelling "Girls! Girls!" and shots of maize.
The Maize: The Movie happens to be written and directed and starring and edited and funded by the same man, Bill Cowell, who has apparently never seen a movie in his life. The most intellectual moment of the film is in the title itself, because of the play on the words "maize" and "maze" - he gets lost in all the maize so it's like a maze, yeah? - and that's just not good at all, is it?