1. Tiptoes (2004)
We're all familiar with the great works of Mr. Bill Weiner, so it's probably a huge surprise to see his name mentioned on such a negatively-charged list. Bill Weiner, of course, has written some of the best movies of all-time and has won dozens of prestigious awards for doing so. Actually, that's a lie, because absolutely nobody has ever heard of Bill Weiner and he's never written anything except for
Tiptoes. So, what exactly is
Tiptoes, you ask? Aw,
Tiptoes. Well, there's so much to say about this little film that it's somewhat mind-blowing - a single viewing is enough to make somebody feel weirded-out for weeks afterwards.
Tiptoes, by all accounts, is the story of a man who is afraid to tell his fiance that every member of his family is a dwarf - she's pregnant, and there's a major concern that their baby will inherit those genes. The fact that this man is played by Matthew McConaughey and his twin brother (a dwarf) is played by one of the greatest actors ever, Gary Oldman, is only the start of the insanity that surrounds this movie. Why, exactly, Bill Weiner sat down to get this idea out of his head and onto paper eludes everyone (maybe it was killing his brain), but perhaps the blame truly lies with the producer who read the script and eventually got the thing premiered at Cannes. The tone is always obsure and patronizing to dwarfs, the performances conflicted and one-dimensional. Is it supposed to be serious? Is it a mad, twisted comedy? There's no sense of correlation at all. It's basically taller people going into situations and being stunned that dwarfs are there or involved or invited to occasions. And although it seemingly tries to make both light-hearted jabs and serious observations about dwarfism, it fails massively on both fronts. Quotes include: "Do little people feel pain?" and "So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!"
Despite all that ill-judged scriptwork, the camerawork is horribly shoddy, the sets look exactly like sets, and nobody really seems to know what's going on or what their lines should be. There are scenes with dwarfs riding choppers, dwarfs being drunk, and dwarfs talking in French accents. They also have sex. None of that is weird at all, except that the movie takes a strange kind of pleasure in the knowledge that it's putting it all on the screen. Kate Beckinsale and Patricia Arquette also star, playing terribly-realized versions of women that nobody would ever consider spending any time with. It's not hugely surprising that Matthew McConaughey can be found here (this was long before his recent career resurgence - well done, Matthew), but Gary Oldman?
Gary Oldman? He's not even terrible in it or even unconvincing as a dwarf (if that makes sense), it's just... Gary Oldman? At what low point did he find himself that he stared into his agent's eyes and said: "You know that script you sent me about dwarfs?
Tiptoes? I'll do it." Your agent should be fired based on the fact that you end up in a movie like this, and for all we know, Gary did fire his own agent after watching this calamity the first time around. And maybe he signed onto the project for good reason - to promote diversity amongst dwarfs or something equally righteous. But it'd ease a lot of pain if we found out old Gary did the movie so he could buy an extension for his house, or build a massive swimming pool with a slide and everything. Because then we'd know that one of the world's greatest actors isn't
mentally-deranged - he just really likes money and will do anything to get some. And that's not so bad. Not compared to
Tiptoes.