5 Brutal Reviews That Will Actually Make You Want To Watch The Film

4. Matt Zoller Seitz Makes Up A Whole Story To Trash Sphere

The man now in control of Roger Ebert's website, one of Matt Zoller Seitz's old newspaper reviews surfaced online recently, ending up on the front page of Reddit in the process. Read this excerpt and you'll see why:

"'Don't pull the shy virgin with me, get over here'. The monster pats the mattress. 'Get over here, Rain Man. Give it to me rough this time.' So Dustin f*cks the monster, holding his nose and trying hard not to gag. But after a while he kind of gets into it, he knows what the monster likes. They go way back."

No, this is not an account of what actually happens in Sphere, but MZS' surreal way of suggesting how something as awful as Sphere came to be made. The whole review is a story in this vein, with a giant monster (the studio, no doubt) coercing sex from its stars (Sam Jackson and Sharon Stone among them) in exchange for some wheelbarrows full of money. This is a great example of discourse going out the window, to be replaced by hate of an intense magnitude. Say what you like about bad films, but at least they inspire something in people. Best Quote: "Sharon Stone arrives, she's carrying a knapsack containing a leather bustier, spike heels, a bullwhip, and a toothbrush. Why It Makes You Want To Watch It: MZS' vignette doesn't actually say if the film is good or not, and while it's quite obvious that he detests the avarice that lead to its creation, he makes no comment (though we can probably guess) on what the actual finished film looks like. Also, it's worth seeing if Seitz's story would've made a better film, which it almost certainly would have.