4. The Final Showdown In Battleship
Basing a major summer film on a BOARD GAME is a risky proposition. This is particularly true when the board game consists of immobile pieces locked into position while players blindly attempt to "hit" the other player's ships. So how do you make this "cinematic?" Well, you don't, really ... but you could add ALIENS! And pop star RIHANNA'S FOREHEAD! Playing like one incredibly-long outtake from
Transformers,
Battleship clumsily conspires to have ocean-going alien spaceships trap a group of human battleships inside a force field, cut off from the rest of the world. There, they battle in darkness, blindly attempting to "sink" the alien spacecraft. All by itself, the film could be number one on this list. However, since it's a
Transformers knockoff based on a boardgame, it's clearly not trying to be anything more than eye candy. Still, even a film with such low standards manages to out-dumb itself. The finale involves our stupifyingly-dull hero Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) commandeering the retired U.S. battleship USS Missouri to destroy the alien array in the middle of the ocean. Of course, the USS Missouri is in perfect working order after being mothballed for sixty years, its guns still fully-loaded with shells.The gigantic old battleship takes off to the sounds of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" as Michael Bay ejaculates in a full-dolly explosion of ecstasy. So they race out to the alien array, which has vastly-superior firepower. The USS Missouri heads straight for the alien craft. Suddenly our hero Hopper has a brain fart, and decides to turn the ship's guns to the right, facing away from the alien craft. Nobody understands this strategy until Hopper engages the ship's anchor, which almost instantly causes the BATTLESHIP to come to a DEAD STOP and SWERVE ON THE OCEAN, avoiding the incoming alien weapons. In an effort to get a better angle to hit the swerving battleship, the alien spacecraft HOPS AROUND IN THE WATER like a metallic guppy. Forget HOVERING! I don't mind ridiculous moments in movies, but they need to make some sort of sense! If they're taking place on Earth and involving our rules of physics, then it needs to follow those rules!