3. The Horse Battle In Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter
Again, any film titled
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter isn't trying to be ART. But what is the point of making a film this ridiculous if NOTHING onscreen can be believed? Isn't it just video-game nonsense at that point? The film is based on an actual "novel" by Seth Grahame-Smith, who specializes in cheesy mash-ups that garner attention simply from the stupidity of their titles. Good for him for making loads of cash with the idea, but that doesn't mean it makes for a watchable movie. As in the book,
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter involves the extracurricular vampire-killing activities of the 16th President of the United States, who is attempting to avert a vampire-induced Civil War. I give the film credit for an engaging first ten minutes, which sets up Lincoln's hatred of vampires. This includes an interesting rewrite on the historical record of the death of Lincoln's mother. However, from there, the film falls into a
Van Helsing-like abyss of bad CG and brain-melting stupidity far beyond anything hinted at with the title. The are several incredibly-dumb moments in the film, including a silly climax on a train trestle. However, the film's worst moment comes near the middle of the film. Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) confronts plantation owner/vampire Jack Barts (Marton Csokas). Their fight eventually involves a stampede of horses, with Lincoln and Barts fighting between the horse, then on top of the horses. Barts, who is admittedly a vampire, leaps from horse to horse with dexterity. He's a magical creature, so he can do that. But then LINCOLN starts leaping from horse to horse, too! There might not be a dumber sight this year than seeing the very human President of the United States leaping from horse to horse while chasing a vampire with an axe. Oh, and the axe also has a gun in its handle. Is it really too much to ask that films featuring humans on Earth actually BEHAVE like humans?