2. The Amazing Transporting Batman In The Dark Knight Rises
I really despised
The Dark Knight Rises. While a comic book film, Christopher Nolan was clearly trying to bring a sense of realism to the genre as he did successfully with
Batman Begins and
The Dark Knight. But the third film in the trilogy is an absolute mess. I could go on for days about the stupidity of Bane's "plan." I could complain about how the cops are "trapped" in the sewers of Gotham for months, yet enormous bags of supplies are lowered to them from the surface (just bring the cops up that way!!), or that the rubble and debris "trapping" the Gothamites can apparently be completely removed by one missile explosion (does Gotham not have explosives?). Or that simply blowing up the bridges "traps" the people of Gotham on the island - has nobody ever heard of a BOAT? Or that the citizens of Gotham, after eight years of peace, suddenly decide to form a mob and ransack the city while freeing hardened criminals. And on and on. I almost picked John "Robin" Blake's moronic speech about knowing the identity of Batman via some sort of orphan-powered sense of perception as the dumbest thing in the film. It's incredibly lazy screenwriting, and poorly edited at that. I also almost picked the ridiculous "Alfred sees Bruce Wayne at the cafe with Catwoman" ending. I also considered the ridiculous first chase involving Batman on his Batpod, which ends when Batman turns down a random alley and suddenly flies away in The Bat (was it just parked there??). I also wanted to pick the fact that Commissioner Gordon apparently spent four months and 29 days doing NOTHING before suddenly deciding to go after the bomb roving around the city. There are so many dumb moments in this overlong, self-indulgent pile of shit. But the film's dumbest moment, coming off like the fastest runner at the Special Olympics, happens as Bane (Tom Hardy) is going to teach Bruce Wayne a lesson by breaking his back and
transporting him to another country to suffer inside a well-like prison. The film then reveals the startling medical discovery that a broken back can be completely fixed with one judo-chop to the area. Then, Bruce Wayne attempts to climb out of the chasm, falling again and again, the rope around his waist presumably breaking the same spot in his back over and over. But apparently not. So Bruce manages to escape the prison. He is penniless, friendless, and without any of the wondrous gizmos his money and Lucius Fox provided for him.
He is in another country. There is a bomb set to go off in Gotham in just a matter of days. Seemingly, there is no way that this broken Bruce Wayne, so far from home, can make it back in time to save the city. But then BOOP! there he is, in full Batman costume, meeting up with Commissioner Gordon at the bridge! How'd he manage that?? Did he have a Bat-transporter up his ass? Can Bruce FLY? Not only did Bruce manage to cross vast stretches of land and ocean in milliseconds without any effort, get inside a locked-down Gotham that is so secured that NOBODY inside the city can apparently escape, and then find his Batman costume and all of his gadgets - he also had time to paint a giant Bat-signal on the fucking bridge! Which seems like a great strategy anyway - LET BANE KNOW YOU'RE HERE, DUMBSHIT! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I realize that the film is supposed to be based off of a comic book! But Nolan is clearly trying to create a realistic take on the hero! Also, the film is LOADED with subtext, indicating that Nolan is trying to make something IMPORTANT, not
Daredevil. What a moronic disaster!!