One of the best things about Christmas is getting to revisit our favourite Christmas classics for our yearly dose of goodwill, sentimentality and Christmas cheer but have you ever taken a closer look at the implications of the story unfolding before your eyes? While we're all been swept up in the eggnog and gift-fueled good vibes of the season, we've been missing the underlying, disturbing meaning behind our favourite holiday parables. We invite you to take a step through the looking-glass and follow us on a harrowing journey to uncover the terrifying implications of 7 holiday classics...
7. Santa Isn't Above The Law - Miracle On 34th Street
What Happens: Santa is put on trial after assaulting a drunk and faces a long stint in an asylum unless he can prove that he is the real deal. In a last minute twist that would make Matlock proud, Santa's defense brings in bag after bag of letters to Santa to prove that the Federal government has recognized Kris Kringle as a real person so the judge dismisses Santa's case. The Implications: Now that Santa is subject to the law of man, we've left him wide open for a deluge of legal blowback. First off there's all the naughty children who can start a class action suit for not receiving a gift on Christmas Day; you could claim that lump of coal in your stocking caused you mental anguish and you can make Santa pay you back for every second you spent sulking about it. What if someone catches Santa trespassing on Christmas Eve and decides to stand his or her ground? In certain states unbalanced folk (possibly survivalists) can use deadly force on intruders. So there's no two ways about it, Santa will be killed on his rounds, and it'll all be legally acceptable. If Santa manages to stay alive, perhaps most troubling of all, he'll have to answer for the labour laws he's been violating for centuries. That means all the elves he's been stiffing over the years by paying them in hot cocoa and candy canes instead of money have legal grounds to stick it to Claus. The back payments on the elf wages alone would ruin Santa. Poor old Saint Nick may be reduced to seeking work as a Walmart greeter while the IRS garnishes his wages. Either way you slice it, things will be looking pretty grim for Santa once the credits roll.
