1. You Better Celebrate Christmas or Else - A Christmas Carol
What Happens: Miserly curmudgeon and all around dickhead, Ebenezer Scrooge thinks the Christmas season is humbug until three ghostly visitors give him a lesson in the true meaning of Christmas by showing him visions of Christmases past, present and future.
The Implications: Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol may qualify as the most ripped-off story in history; everyone from The Flintstones to Robert Zemeckis has adapted or lifted the basic premise of ghosts teaching you the error of your ways by showing you what a screw up you are. Each year we revisit this tale to warm our hearts and tell ourselves that even the most dickish of us can turn over a new leaf if we get into the spirit of the holidays; however, once we peel back the warm, fuzzy surface of sentimental schlock to take a peek at the horrifying implications beneath it, we can catch a glimpse of a soul-sucking universe where you must celebrate Christmas or suffer the consequences. Scrooge earned his money. Sure, he pushed everyone he loves away and people hate him but he fought tooth and nail to be successful. Now that he's in his twilight years, he wants to be left alone and doesn't have the energy to put up with Christmas dinner at his dopey nephew's house surrounded by his nephew's annoying friends. Shouldn't Scrooge have the right to not celebrate Christmas? Not according to Dickens. No, Scrooge is going to get into the spirit of things whether he damn well wants to or not. And the spirits aren't pulling any punches. After torturing Scrooge by showing him his past f-ck ups and letting him now that everyone hates him, The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come shows Scrooge a vision of his gravestone. The message is clear: if you don't start putting up a Christmas tree each year you're going to die, and soon too. You better make right with Christmas or spend an eternity damned to dragging heavy chains, like Scrooge's avaricious partner Jacob Marley. This horrific story has wide-reaching implications. Is Scrooge a special case? Or will the Christmas Stormtroopers start kicking down the door of every dissenter until Christmas is universally celebrated? According to A Christmas Carol, you better put up your Christmas wreath, wrap your gifts, and string up some Christmas lights or they might be coming for you next. There's our list. Are we way off-base? Are there more terrifying implications from beloved Christmas stories we missed? Let us know in the comments.