Some critics have unkindly suggested that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is déjà vu all over again, another lazy, cynical cash-in that offers nothing except tenth-hand shtick and a quartet of teens that belong in 2006, not 1969 where the story takes place. Theyre right. According to this movie, nobody living in 69 listened to The Doors or Hendrix, they didnt wear Rolling Stones t-shirts, dress like John Lennon or have shoulder length hair, they just talked about The Nam in between discovering the joys of premarital sex. Its too much to hope for a movie that deals with adult themes, has a few memorable lines and isnt shot like a music video, especially if its produced by Michael Bay. To give The Great Satan credit, though, every movie unveiled under the Platinum Dunes banner has a certain consistency and an easily recognisable visual style. Theyre all a plotless, overstylized, sluggish mess. If Beginning had some cheesy laughs, it mightve been a fun guilty pleasure. But you can get that from Texas Chainsaw 3D, which was made by other hands, so you neednt bother with this boring failure.
Ian Watson is the author of 'Midnight Movie Madness', a 600+ page guide to "bad" movies from 'Reefer Madness' to 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.'
