Noah: 7 Biblical Films That Should Have Come Before

1. All of the Book of Judges

In Case You Missed Sunday SchoolFrankly, I could have done a whole list about the Judges of Israel, but decided to just give them all the top spot as compensation. The Judges were a series of people who were picked by God to lead Israel during times of crisis. The Book of Judges features a cyclical pattern of the nation abandoning God, becoming enslaved to some foreign power as a result, and then being liberated by a Judge after the people repent. Why It Should Be a MovieThe most famous Judge, Samson, he of long hair and super-strength, has already been made the subject of several movies. But the other Judges deserve attention as well. In fact, any one of them could have their own movie. To wit: Ehud (pictured above), who assassinated King Eglon of Moab. Pretending to be making Israel's tribute to the occupying force, he concealed a long knife on his right thigh, which he could get away with, since he was left-handed (Inigo Montoya's got nothing on this guy). Once in Eglon's presence, he said, "I have a message for you from the Lord," and stabbed the adipose King in the gut. That right there is an action movie moment pre-written for you. Plus there's some great potential for black comedy, as Ehud's blade got stuck inside Eglon, and he couldn't pull it out. Deborah, the glass ceiling breaker, who badgered the men of Israel to stand up to the Canaanites. After his defeat by the Jews, Jabin, King of Canaan, hid out in the tent of a woman named Jael, who promptly drove a tent peg through his head as he slept. That is some Inglourious Basterds stuff right there. Gideon, who drove away the Midianites not through force, but through trickery. After the uncertain Gideon was convinced by God that he was indeed chosen for the task of Judge by a few miracles, he had his faith further tested as God repeatedly had him narrow down the strength of the army he had gathered to fight Midian. In the end, with a paltry army, he approached the enemy encampment by night, and struck not with swords, but with a ruckus of musical noise. This caused the Midianites to slay each other in their panic and confusion. Great object lesson in mind over muscle, right there. Just look at all the delicious violence! Who says the Bible is boring? So those are my picks for stories to go from holy writ to silver screen. What are yours? I know that Mel Gibson wants to make a Maccabees movie (BLARGH), but what else could make a great film, and in what way?
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Dan Schindel loves movies more than you do. He considers it an accomplishment to have survived a year and counting in Los Angeles. Someday, he'll be the greatest critic in the world. He spent a year watching a documentary every day, so now he knows everything.