The Neverending Fountain Of Youth Movie

Hollywood feels about old age the way I do about sticking my tongue in a woman's poonie. In other words, they don't like it, they fear it, and it makes them want to shove their face into a food processor to avoid doing it. Of course, nobody likes growing older. The hair grays, the paunch expands, and you do horrible things in public like shit all over the floor at the supermarket (I saw this happen today, in fact). The worst part of growing older is remembering the golden glow of your youth, when you had energy and optimism and endless, impenetrable erections; you'd almost wish for Alzheimer's to keep from crying. That sinking feeling is even worse in Hollywood, a place jury-rigged around spoiled, sun-dappled youths. Even better, Hollywood's anxiety attack about aging regularly spills out into the movies they create. Have you ever stopped to consider how many movies have been made around the premise of body-switching? There have been more of them made than almost any other genre of film, including zombie films, James Bond films, and "black guy in a woman's fat suit" films. And, like growing old itself, they all mostly suck. Probably the best film ever made about this topic is BIG. The film, of course, features a fantastic performance by Tom Hanks as the adult version of a young boy who makes a wish to be an adult. Here, the formula is slightly tilted; rather than have an older person grow young, it has the only slightly-less creepy idea of having a grown man act like a little kid. And then have sex like one. Coming in second is probably the 1976 version of FREAKY FRIDAY, which allowed Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster to switch bodies. Many might argue for the 2003 remake starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan ... but I just can't stand Lindsay Lohan at all. Amazingly, this simple premise has been remade at least four other times, and is set to be remade again in an upcoming film called FREAKY MONDAY. Ugh. I think it's certainly lost some of its "freakiness" by now. But beyond those two films, quality pickins are anorexically slim. 18 AGAIN ... ALISON'S BIRTHDAY ... BODY SWITCH ... DREAM A LITTLE DREAM ... THE IMMORTALIZER ... VICE VERSA ... LIKE FATHER LIKE SON ... that's a pretty pathetic group of films, wouldn't you say? It seems like these films pop up once every ten years, preying on the age-apprehension of the next generation. And so it is that we have the newest entry in this age-old genre: 17 AGAIN. The film, which was made simply as a vehicle for stud-of-the-moment Zac Efron, involves a late thirties man who longs to be in high school again. When that wish is granted, he finds himself in his 17 year old body once more. Yawn. While the idea of being 17 again is tantalizing given the unfettered sexual appetites of the modern girl, few of us want to deal with reliving zits, awkwardly fitting clothes, and homosexual experimentation bullies. Of course, Zac Efron has no such worries. He has flawless skin, a bevy of beauticians to coif his luxurious hair, and a billion screaming girls willing to siphon every drop of goop from his fake-tanned, four inch wiener. In other words, Zac Efron's 17th year is unlike anything experienced by any other 17 year old on the planet. But he will sell the hell out of this film about reliving youth, of course, but only to the young. The best thing about getting older is that everyone else old enough knows better.