These Movie Prequels SUCK!
3. The Thing (2011)
As I have stated, MANY times over, John Carpenter's The Thing might well be one of my favorite movies, and say it with me kids, OF ALL TIME. No matter what I'm doing, If someone asks asks "ey baldy, wanna watch that movie with headcrabs scarier than Half-Life?" then you best believe I'm going to drop everything in order to get my peepers on those creepers.
It's why I'm not allowed to hold my friend Mark's baby anymore.
This film, under Carpenters masterful direction, was an incredibly tense, well-paced, and thoroughly unnerving affair, utilizing animatronics and prosthetics in order to create visual effects that feel terrifyingly tangible, and when the 2011 version of The Thing announced it was doing the same, it piqued my interest somewhat. I knew in my heart of hearts it wouldn't be the same, but I alongside many others was willing to give this film a shot.
Turns out, however, the only shot we should have given it was a round to the back of the head, as this film, this THING, was actually more similar to Carpenters classic than we realised, as it was both a prequel and an unauthorized remake of the 1982 film. I say this because the 2011 piece follows nearly the exact same beats as Carpenters flick, to the point where you feel like the film is prodding you in the chest while whispering "do you remember this bit?"
The issue is, however, that this whisper is accompanied by some stinky halitosis breath and the 2011 film has been on a diet of rotten ham, which I assume is what the actors themselves were snacking on because my lord the acting. I've never seen people look this neutral about having their bodies warped and shaped into monstrosities, and it all comes down to the fact that, despite its promise to keep things practical, the effects on show here are anything but.
Therefore we have to contend with the bane of all horror films, acting against something that isn't there, resulting in forced fear that never translates well. To its credit the film does try to get clever with its revelation that those assimilated don't take things like filings and earrings with them so it becomes an identifier, but it's just one positive and a slurry of dross, showcasing that despite a much higher budget, you can't buy quality.