These Superhero Films SUCK!

Now here's the thing, I absolutely loved the TMNT when I was a kid, (or the TMHT as they were known here in the UK, because apparently "ninjas" and "nunchucks" were far too shocking for the censors, but giant blades and guns were A'OK baybeee), but even so when it comes to adapting the heroes in a half shell for the silver screen, things were less "cowabunga" and more "c-how have you bungled this?"

I say this because even though the first two live-action adaptations will hold a special place in my heart alongside the Street Fighter movie as "so bad that I unironically love them" nearly every other iteration has been so god awful you'd wish the franchise had just stayed in the sewer. Still, before you think I'm going to harsh on the most recent droppings that have turtle headed out of Michael Bay's production madhouse, I'm going to be talking about a horrible little nugget so stinky it will make you want to drop a brick on your terrarium.

I'm speaking of course about the time-traveling tripe fest that is the 1993 TMNT III movie, a title which is fun to say and likely the most enjoyment you will ever get out of the experience.

Actually, that's not true per se as ripping apart this film is fun for those masochists out there that put themselves through the rigors of watching it in the first place. For a starter, the direction...where is it? You'd think that the Turtles going back to feudal Japan would provide some interesting scenarios, but it's so bland and aimless that you could literally replace the turtles with literally anything else and it'd not affect the plot in the slightest. Plus the costume design for the turtles themselves is hideous.

Question, how many sunspots should we put on our suits?

Well, none, none is the answer otherwise the kids are going to be distracted by how sickly they look!

Ok. So did you say "none" or "loads" because they sound very similar to me.

In fact, the only costume that actually looks on brand is Splinters whose "I'm so done with this s**t" appearance is something we can all relate to. Also if you're going to have Casey Jones in a movie, please for the love of God, have him actually kicking ass and not babysitting some time traveling guards the entire movie.

And yet this is just the tip of a truly terrible film, as you are then forced to wade through dated pop culture references, woeful action setpieces that make slamming action figures together seem balletic, and of course a labored music video inclusion designed solely to shift whatever trash fire song this film came bundled with.

And finally if you thought that the Sonic '06 princess/hedgehog kiss scene was awful, then you ain't seen nothing, my friend, as here in this film we get to see a turtle kiss a young lad named Yoshi, and it is....horrible. You're welcome.