Top Ten Tuesdays (Horror Month Special) As OWFs '31 Days of Horror
' is still just kicking off, I thought Id ease you in and lighten the tone for the first of four special horror related top tens! Now, we all know that there are plenty of downright SHOCKING horror films out there that still have the scare factor, due to a particularly freaky super-villain (think the dodgy sequels to the 'Halloween' franchise as a prime example)! Well, dont bother grabbing youre axe, butchers knife, chainsawor whatever youre chosen weapon for fighting movie villains is, because what lies ahead is ten of the most ridiculous villains that somebody out there intended to scare us with!
10. Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany in THE BRIDE OF CHUCKY (1998)
Serial killing dummy Chucky meets the equally murderous Tiffany and they head out on a road trip with two unwitting high-school students. As you can imagine, mayhem and murder ensues! The fourth installment in the 'Childs Play
' franchise sees the previously creepy air replaced with more comic undertones. Jennifer Tilly
is great as Tiffany, the ridiculous girlfriend of the now scarred Chucky. The blonde, preened Tiffany is certainly the films main comic device. Her lovers tiffs with Chucky make the once evil doll appear p****-whipped and totally un-scary. Honestly, it seems quite simple: one firm boot to the head and these little plastic monsters will no longer be a problem! Tiffany may be hilarious, but a great horror villain she aint!
09. The Ventriloquist Dummies in DEVIL DOLL (1964) and DEAD SILENCE (2007)
In the former film, a great ventriloquist becomes obsessed with a woman who is the heir to a large fortune. As she becomes increasingly ill under the spell of the ventriloquist, her boyfriend begins to suspect there is something more to the ventriloquists dummy In 'Dead Silence
', a young mans life is turned upside down when his wife is viciously murdered and a ventriloquist doll is found next to her body. Investigating her death, the man discovers an old legend about a woman from their hometown whose quest was to make the perfect dummy. But could the spirit of the woman, who was murdered years ago, really have possessed her dummies? Now Ive always had a rather irrational fear of dummies (I remember having to sleep with the light on when I read the classic Night of the Living Dummy Goosebumps book! And yes, I was about 12!), but even I find the various films featuring the little wooden sidekicks as evil villains a little absurd! Theres something distinctly non-threatening about a little puppet with a rather large jawI mean, honestly, the flick of a lighter and jeez, the painted pine head and polyester outfit would go up like a bonfire on the 5th November! In fact, the evil doll in 'Devil Doll
' is completely comical, with his dodgy hairstyle, enormous ears and loopy smile! Even when he looms over the sleeping body of Sandra Dorne
(who plays the ventriloquists assistant), preparing to kill her, he isnt quite scary. Although there are some films out there that have a fairly solid plot behind them 'Dead Silence', for example - the inclusion of a killer dummy can obviously never be anything but ridiculous
08. Warwick Davis as Leprechaun in the LEPRECHAUN Series (1993-2003)
Over the years the Leprechaun has killed many to get his hands on his lucky golden coins. Hes been to Vegas, Da Hood and even Space in his evil pursuits! Spanning a decade, this is probably the most successful low budget series that has made this top ten (because in comparison, the 'Childs Play' films are big budget!). The plot is slightly better here than many of the other entries and the original film is notable for being one of Jennifer Anistons
major roles before finding stardom in 'Friends'. However, despite these (extremely) minor accolades, the films villain is just immensely laughable! I cant help but howl when I see Warwick Davis
in his dodgy leprechaun costume and the jokes revolving around his lucky charms are boundless! If it wasnt for the franchises ability to laugh at itself and its absurd concept, it would be much higher in the chart! Basically this series of films is horrific for all the wrong reasonsmuch like Jennifer Anistons acting then!
07. The Pumpkin Monsters in JACK-O (1995) and JACK O'LANTERN (2004)
', when the soul of a wizard returns in the shape of a Halloween pumpkin he starts enacting his revenge on the villagers that put him to death. In 'Jack OLantern
' a man who had been institutionalised after a horrific car accident returns home. When he decides to carve a pumpkin, a demonic spirit is released an those responsible for the earlier car accident begin to be mysteriously murdered by a hideous pumpkin man I guess the virtually universal panning of 'Jack-O' back in the 90s was not enough to put the makers of 'Jack OLantern' offperhaps they didnt get the memo!? Both of these films are simply ridiculous, because the villains are just so laughable. The hilarity of the actors reactions in 'Jack-O' is classic: for these characters, a walking pumpkin man appears to be a thing or normality! 'Jack OLantern' is similarly chuckle inducing the monster mask is like that one solitary, rotten pumpkin that your neighbour leaves on their doorstep for 37 weeks after the event It also lends heavily from such horror classics as 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' (1974) and 'Halloween' (1978), which is frankly insulting. Trust me, any creepiness that pumpkins may have evoked on the eve of Halloween previously, will firmly be dispelled if you watch these!
06. Bill Goldberg as Santa in SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
For all these years jolly old St. Nick has really been a devil in disguise. Having lost a bet with an angel, he was forced to spend 1000 years being the bringer of joy. When the bet is up, Santa wastes no time in getting back to his less jolly ways and starts on a killing spree 'Santas Slay
' is one of those horror films that has its tongue firmly in its cheek. Camper than Christmas (I know, a terrible punmy apologies!), its clear that the filmmakers know their idea is preposterous. With a body count of 35, this badass Santa is certainly the most villainous of the sorry bunch that have made this top ten. However, I just cant get over the fact that Im supposed to believe that the joyful bringer of presents is really the son of the devil! Yes, Christmas can get annoying: the cacophony of celebratory jingles, the obligatory visit to or from that one irritating relative, the maxed out credit card(s), the unholy amount of food and alcohol consumed by allIm surprised Santa hasnt been portrayed as a psychopath before! But when push comes to shove, its just absurd!
05. Gary Busey as Millard Findlemeyer in THE GINGERDEAD MAN (2005)
he soul of a convicted killer inhabits a gingerbread man and begins to exact revenge on the girl who sent him to the electric chair A giant killer gingerbread man is something I certainly thought Id never see committed to film. Unfortunately, somebody decided to make 'The Gingerdead Man
' (plus an equally unappetising sequel) Arguably this film was never meant to be taken seriously, but honestly, whats the point in making a horror film void of any actual horror? Its hard not to think that 'The Gingerdead Man' could have been wrapped up in 13 seconds flat if a fat kid with a penchant for biscuits had been part of the cast!
04. The Laundry Folding Machine in THE MANGLER (1995)
An iron laundry-folding machine is possessed by a demon from the underworld and develops a taste for human flesh. As a detective investigates the mystery, the machines owner starts to hunt for fresh victims for the killer device! This film is far from the worst on the list and even stars horror stalwart Robert Englund
. However, despite these accolades its still way up there for the most ridiculous idea for a horror villain! I mean, yes Hitchcock managed to turn the everyday shower into a thing of fear in 'Psycho' (1960), but really, a laundry-folding machine!? Come ON! I mean, like many guys the thought of doing the washing instils fear into me, but not because Im worried Im going to get eaten! Even the fact that its based on a Stephen King
short story and features the likes of the legendary Englund cant rescue 'The Mangler
' from being anything but a mangled mess thats just not scary. And wait; there are two equally appalling sequelsgreat!
03. Scott MacDonald as Jack Frost in JACK FROST (1997)
A serial killer on the way to his execution is genetically transformed into a snowman in a car crash. Hell bent on revenge, he soon becomes the snowman from your worst nightmares I can hear you nowWTF!?! A SNOWMAN!?! Yes, a snowman really is the killer in this pathetic excuse for a horror film. Realistically, the relatively un-creepy heap of snow can, at best, give you a nasty case of frostbite! However, he wreaks havoc by breaking an old mans neck, decapitating a boy with a sledge, driving an icicle through the head of another and shoving an axe down the throat of a manbecause a snowman has the strength to do all of this of course! When you watch this drivel you cant help but wonder why the characters dont light a match and melt Jack down. Surely its that simple, right!? Well apparently, no, its not. Because Jack condenses when melted, re-forming to cause further mayhem. What proves to be the killer snowmans downfall though is nothing more than simple antifreeze. What can I sayan abomination, or should that be abominable-ation!
02. Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in MOMMIE DEAREST (1980)
The alleged life of one of Hollywoods biggest stars, 'Mommie Dearest
' is based on the scathing memoirs of Joan Crawfords
adopted daughter Christina. A scrutinised look at the pressures of Hollywood fame, alcoholism and secret child abuse that all apparently figured in Crawfords life. What was intended as a frank, realistic look at Hollywood and the scandals that lay behind the shimmering closed doors of Brentwood mansions, turned into the biggest tongue-in-cheek hit of 1980. Although not strictly a horror film, Dunaways portrayal of Crawford is camper than Christmas and played more like a super-bitch villain than a Hollywood legend. Child abuse is certainly no joke, but all those involved in 'Mommie Dearest' did a fantastic job of making it appear a comical aside to growing up. The supposedly horrific scenes where the young Christina is beaten with a wire hanger, or locked in a dark pool house, strangled by her mother, and so onare overshadowed by the sheer comical spectacle of Dunaway hamming it up! 'Mommie Dearest' didnt achieve its goals of tarnishing the reputation of one of Hollywoods hardest working leading ladiesinstead it proved that trying to turn such figures into horrific monsters was a sure-fired way of producing a hit comedy!
01. Brad Dosland as Jack Schmidt in MONSTRUD (2003) An escaped convict is pursued by the FBI and finally gunned down in a sewer. Falling into a pool of chemicals and human waste, the convict emerges as a half human, half poo based killing machine. As the tagline states, You better not get caught with your pants down! Yes, dont worry, you havent gone madwhat you have just read is, in fact, the plot of a - quite literally - s*** film! And I mean SERIOUSLY s***! As the half poo, half human serial killer, Brad Dosland
will obviously never, ever amount to an actor of substance. The fact that the film was made for a beyond-meager sum of $3000 is beside the point; because the fact that anybody thought that this would be a good idea for a horror film obviously has crap for brains! Rather than making you crap yourself with fear, youll find youre laughing beyond control, until a little bit of wee comes out. Quite frankly, its about as s*** as horror gets!