These Video Game Movies Adaptations SUCK!

What I'm about to say comes from a very real and very angry place.

I hate. EVERYTHING. About this movie. (except Bob Hoskins as the man is a treasure)

How could you take something as innocent and as pure as Super Mario and mess things up this badly? This should have been an absolute slam dunk for Nintendo, as not only was this their hottest property going, but it also wasn't a series shackled by a complex narrative.

You literally had "Big Turtle kidnaps royalty and gets saved by rotund handyman" as the only restrictions and somehow that morphed into Super Mario Bros. The Movie, a catastrophic cinematic failure that was so bad that Nintendo vowed never to make another video game movie ever again.

Where to begin with this film? Maybe the fact that nearly every character is so far removed from what fans knew about them that it was less a jarring moment and more a teeth-shattering punch to the face? It's like the producers took the established ideas, thought they'd be really clever and unique by inverting these expectations such as Goombas usually having big heads and little bodies and here they have little heads and big bodies, and then patted each other on the back so hard that they threw up like a wee baby after burping and used the resulting mess for the set AND script.

The "Mario Mario" and "Luigi Mario" cause me physical pain to remember, and may indeed be the words I etch into the walls of my padded cell in later life, and the scene at the club where the brothers change clothes only to NOT wear their iconic colors will be the moment that will !*$% send me there.

Now I will admit, there are some interesting stylistic choices that actually do work in the film, for example, the tiny Bob-omb was cute and I'm glad they used machines to simulate the double jump rather than have a person hop on the air itself, but the good points are so few it feels like trying to pick out Lucky Charms marshmallows from a bowl full of used needles as even when you're not being stabbed over and over, the good bits are still stale and ultimately unfulfilling.

I am so glad that this film tanked so hard as to cancel the planned sequels, as this film had already killed our childhood innocence and more would have killed our soul. And that's what jobs are for.

Still, at least I get to laugh at the knowledge that this is actually one of 2 Mario films that Nintendo owns, as they actually bought a porn parody film back in the day to stop it from being released worldwide. You're welcome.