10 Reasons Greek Mythology Is Messed Up

The Olympians entered into a new age. Zeus, at the head of them all, didn’t waste his time with formalities: marrying his sister Hera and inbreeding some of the most notorious gods and goddesses, like Ares, proved to be just the entrée. Monogamy wasn’t enough for the electrifying stallion, hence profligacy at any cost became his main priority (emphasis on “at any cost”).

Needless to say, the list of deities grew at lightning speed. Zeus practically gifted half of its pantheon to Ancient Greece, and the worst part is that he came to be more and more inconsiderate with each new affair. In other words, he was a douche, and his wife’s constant reproaches only served to increase his disproportionate libido. Moreover, he was so bursting with, ahem, life that Athena just erupted from his forehead one day.

At some point in this story of adultery and occasional bestiality (Zeus had to disguise as a range of animals in order to escape marital jealousy), Hera convinced Semele, one of his earthling lovers, who was also pregnant, to stop getting him into bed. The god was so frustrated that he volatilized her. Talking about getting over a relationship…

Semele’s baby was nevertheless rescued by Hermes, and he hid him in the one place he knew his father would never suspect: Zeus’ own thigh.

Somehow, he didn’t notice a fetus was developing inside his upper leg, and fortunately so, because three months later oenophiles and Nietzsche acquired someone to worship: Dionysus, the only god with a mortal mother... and the only one who blurred the line between Cesarean and liposuction.