3. Missiles
And perhaps the biggest design flaw of all is the GI Joe's erotic fixation with missiles. I'm starting to think they are over-compensating for something. Missiles everywhere. In the vehicles above, we've seen missiles mounted tank treads, mounted on a windsurfer, mounted on a cockpit window, and mounted on blast doors for a mini-hovercraft. How can this be safe? One random shot and BOOM, there goes your missile, your vehicle, and your day. Check out this dandy, the Mobile Battle Bunker:
The missiles are actually stored INSIDE the pilot compartment. When the vehicle stops and is ready for a full assault, the armor actually pulls back to reveal the missiles AND a fully exposed pilot. Awesome. Maybe it's not the pilot. Afterall, he's just sitting there. Maybe he's just taking a dump in the Bunker toilet. Who knows? I'm sure guys are just lining up to operate this death trap. I can't wait to get into combat and then be ejected out of my armored vehicle next to a rack of incendiary missiles in the middle of a firefight. Woo hoo! But ... That's not the worst. I saved the worst GI Joe vehicle for the very last, something that violates every single rule we've covered. And that is without a doubt the Rolling Thunder:
I'm giving you multiple views of this vehicle, because I really want to stress it's total retardation. Unarmored, exposed gunners in the white chairs (x4) - check! Unarmored, exposed turret gunner - check! Pilot compartment protected only by glass - check! A completely useless 360 degree, stationary missile platform ensuring that at least one missile is targeting at an ally and has to be manually carried into battle as it has no wheels - check! The main gun is pointed directly at the two massive rockets, ensuring total vehicle death if fired - check! The main gun's rotation will take it directly into the skulls of the rear gunners in the white chairs - check! If the main rockets are fired into the atmosphere, the after burn would incinerate the four gunner chairs and the turret gunner - check! Missiles on every conceivable weak point, including gun turret, all eight tires, and even the GUN BARREL itself. CHECK! This vehicle is the total fulfillment of stupid. Well played, GI Joe, well played.