10 Types Of Shopper That Deserve A Solid Kick To The Nether-Regions

8. The Monied Gloater

"An orphan meanders into a Bestbuy and through his eye-patch and uncorrected stigmatism looks at an Xbox in yearning. A well-postured man passes and while glancing at the small boy proclaims, "Haha! You simple peasant! I have five of those in the trunk of my car!" I watch as tears stream down my face" - Excerpt From Walt Whitman's Post Mort-em Diary The Gloater spends their days bouncing from store to store informing unwitting shoppers of their illustrious collection of everything. Other than the pincers of the Bangladeshi Spidertooth Crab (A single cleave of their claws can slice a horse in two. Ever try to superglue your prized stallion back together? I have. You think they let just anyone write articles for the internet? I've seen stuff man) there is nothing more piercing than their subtle put-down. Masters of the passive aggressive gloat, they've been known to utter phrases like: "Wow, you must not love your wife at all! I bought the one with lasers!"; "You plan to watch a TV that small? Haha! The middle class is so quaint!". A Gloater typically wears a nice suit and will be near the electronics section. However, their brags have no jurisdiction. He or she will likely be traveling alone. The only true way to defeat a gloater is to remind them that they are sad and broken people. Try hugging a child in front of them. This will cause the ice in the heart to expand and drive them to cardiac arrest.