10 Types Of Shopper That Deserve A Solid Kick To The Nether-Regions

5. The Lurking Critic

Shopper

The villainy of this evildoer is particularly subversive. They cloak themselves in the shadows, stalking you aisle after aisle waiting for their chance to strike. They follow behind you and provide commentary on the products you seem to be leaning towards. You could be holding a new spatula for your sweet Nana and they would say something like, "This spatula is simply sub-par. I wouldn't venture to strike the homeless with this!" (for some reason they hold deep rooted malice towards the less fortunate).

This is a clandestine beast. They will have no clear identifiable attributes. You will know them only when they ambush you with awfulness.

The best way to prevent an attack is to remain cautious. Is someone following behind you? Quickly flash your buttocks and wave your arms around as if you were an epileptic octopus. This works because they are afraid of the human body and tentacle endowed sea creatures. If the person turns out not to be a Lurking Critic they will understand and appreciate your caution.

 
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Contributor

Adam Singer is a samurai sent forward in time to take vengeance on the relatives of those who murdered his fellow villagers in 815. Between brutal slayings via sword he writes articles for Whatculture. If you like his stuff you should read more and tell your friends to read more. If you do that maybe you can melt his frozen samurai heart. Follow him on twitter at @AdamSinger6.