10 Types Of Shopper That Deserve A Solid Kick To The Nether-Regions

3. The Cyborg

In the technological age a new breed of terrible shopper has been produced. Social media, cell phones, and the ubiquity of cat memes have turned these shoppers into half-human-half-robot hybrids. They seek nothing short of the total annihilation of humans. They will do anything to inconvenience their enemy when it comes to shopping. Be aware of kamikaze tactics. They can focus so determinedly on a twitter feed that they will walk directly in front of oncoming traffic. They are willing to sacrifice their lives to cause several dollars' worth of damage to a vehicle. Fortunately, the Cyborg is easily recognized. Unless they are Bluetooth Enabled, you will be able to clearly see a cellphone or other electronic device on their person at all times. Their weakness is water. I never walk into a shopping center without a fish tank and a box of moist toilettes. If you have to travel in a known cyborg area, take a shower without drying off. This should prevent all but the most passionate of attacks.