10 Ways To Dispose Of A Dead Body (If You Really Needed To)

The first thing you should know about burning a body is that it stinks. You won't be able to just pass it off as an impromptu barbeque, with a cheery wave to the neighbours and a novelty pinny.

They'll sooner imagine that you've opened a direct passageway to Satan's colon than think that you're just grilling a couple of pork chops. The smell of burning bodies largely comes from the hair and the internal organs (plus whatever is in them), but, even if you can bring yourself to sit and shave an entire dead body before burning it, there are still other problems to contend with.

The second problem with making a little human bonfire in your back garden is that it will give off thick plumes of jet black smoke, so there's no way anyone will think that's just garden waste.

The biggest hurdle you'll have to jump is that bodies don't generally burn at the temperature of your average bonfire. Seeing as you're made of around 75% water, a lot of that is just going to smoulder and blacken at best. The furnace in a crematorium burns at over 1000°C and even that takes about three hours to completely reduce a body to ash.

That said, if you can pull it off then it will guarantee the destruction of all of the evidence, including DNA.