24 Perfectly Witty Retorts For Everyday Situations

9. The Ex

The Situation: Number ten is that nightmare made flesh; bumping into an ex in public when you're with friends. You know it's coming but a little piece of you dies when she hits you with three months worth of anger, culminating in lies about your bedroom performance for all to hear. D'oh. The Comeback: ''Yeah? Well sleeping with you was like sleeping with a baby. It was the wetting the bed and waking up crying up every night that did it.''

8. Does My Bum Look Big In This?

The Situation: Your girlfriend is getting ready (you've been ready for about half an hour) for a night out. She's self-conscious and asks you for some reassurance. You should lie. If you feel compelled to tell the truth try the below comeback. The Comeback: ''There is a fine line between a dress...and a sausage casing.'' Please note: This comeback will likely incite violence; use it sparingly.

7. The Rhetorical Question

The Situation: Irvine Welsh once wrote that the rhetorical question relating to if a weapon is of the woman and the psycho. It can be perfectly encapsulated in four words; ''What you looking at?'' The Comeback (to a man): ''I don't know. People stopped labelling sh*t back in '84.'' The Comeback (to a woman): ''You would be much more likeable if it wasn't for that hole in your face that noise comes out of.''

6. Musical Taste

The Situation: You're in your car, the sun is shining, your windows are down and you are playing your favourite Bee Gees' song. Loudly. At a red light you get a sarcastic remark, snigger or dirty look. The Comeback: ''You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk...except to say get lost and die douchebag.''

5. Bad Hair Day

The Situation: You've just had your hair cut, you're strutting down the street thinking to yourself 'I look goooood' when someone cuts you down like a tree with a scathing remark. The Comeback: ''I like your hair cut...it makes your nose look small.''

4. Big Boy

The Situation: If you're a chap who is packing a bit more timber than you'd like then it's highly likely your weight will used against you. The next time someone asks you why you are so fat, respond with the below and shut them up once and all. The Comeback: ''Because every time I f**k your mum she gives me a sandwich.''