20 Lies We All Tell Technical Support Agents

16. "The Guy In The Shop Told Me To Call You As He Can't Work Out What The Problem Is"

"Did they now? Oh you're still in the shop? And what's the problem? Mhmm. Okay. Right. It's switched off. Turn it on. Let me speak to the guy *cracks knuckles*" This lie isn't really the customer's fault, it's the store clerk who is to blame. Retail staff are paid on commission for sales so if a customer comes in looking for help that isn't going to result in a sale, the staff can be very dismissive. The problem is, some customers (especially elderly ones) don't like calling call centres, they want a face to talk to and explain their problem. When retail staff can't even be bothered to help out someone with a quick issue it can get techies annoyed enough that they forget about the rapidly cooling coffee on their desk. Sympathy for the customer goes through the roof and their issue is resolved before the store manager gets an absolute telling off. Once the dust has settled, the techie notices the coffee is now stone cold and vows revenge on the store in question. It's an ongoing battle.

15. "No I Don't Let My Young Child Play With It"

"I hope not. Expensive gadgets aren't for kiddies. No sir, they certainly aren't a replacement for parenting. The Dora app may be brilliant for kiddies but surely you watch them play..." Technology and children don't mix. Ever. A young child doesn't care how much an iPad costs. They don't care about how much pressure a phone screen can take and they absolutely aren't bothered as to the effects a Fruit Shoot will have on a laptop. So you shouldn't be upset or surprised when they make a paperweight out of your latest expensive toy. And you most certainly shouldn't be expecting sympathy from tech support when they've poured something very sticky inside your brand new games console.

14. "Liquid Damage? There's No Chance Of That, I'm Always So Careful"

"I understand, but our engineers took it apart and it was full of red wine. I'm not saying you're an alcoholic ma'am. No, heaven forbid, all I'm saying is there is red wine where there shouldn't be any..." It's happened to all of us. A night out on the tiles, a few too many pops and all of a sudden a glass is knocked over and someone's phone is caught in the vino tidal wave. It's physics and it can't be helped. What can be helped though is lying through your hangover about your phone being broken. Calls to tech support on a Saturday or Sunday morning saying the phone stopped working the previous night will always make a techie suspicious. However, amusement comes from the inevitable call back when the repair centre has opened the device and experienced that musty, congealed wine smell. The call that says the warranty is voided and the repair will cost £300 or more. The adamant denials come thick and fast, as do the accusations that the repair centre is lying and if you're a particularly lucky techie, some interesting new swear words that you've never heard before. The question is, why lie? Surely people don't believe that they'll just get a straight swap without any checks. Catching people's lies out can prove to be entertaining, especially when they get angry.

13. "I Waited In All Day For The Engineer But He Never Turned Up"

"I'm sure that's not the case, sir. No, I am very sorry you wasted a day. Actually, the engineer called in and said there was no answer. No, of course the customer is always right..." Engineers and customers don't mix. They've never mixed. Customers always complain about engineers and engineers always moan about customers. It's a circle of mutual disdain. Telling a customer to wait in between 8 and 5 for an engineer to turn up is never an easy thing to do. 9 times out of 10 they'll complain and a surprising amount will try to negotiate a more specific time. It's baffling. Then there is the "oh but I need to pick the kids up from school". Well that's fair enough, no one can argue with your parental responsibilities, but an engineer doesn'tcare whether you need to step out for 10 minutes to pick up Tiny Tim, if you're out when he gets there, you've missed your slot. Some engineers will give people 15 minutes or so before they drive off, but they're not going to hang around if they have three other jobs on the day's docket. Don't lie and say you were sat by the door all day. If the engineer is genuinely not going to turn up, they will contact you and let you know, so if you try and tell a techie that they just didn't turn up, they know you're lying. Don't lie, it does you no favours.