Say what? Sure, he/she seemed like a nice quite professional with a solid career and no apparent vices, but after a few months theyve decided to dramatically quit their job and are now home every day with the utilities constantly running as they do weird and esoteric things inside their bedroom. This particular reprobate sounds like youre one of those If you can't take me at my worst, then you don't deserve my best types.
5. Tempting Fate
Like they say, never underestimate the right to reply. This reminds of the story of a friend who used to live in rural Australia, where theres few police around and very little to do except get inebriated and discharge firearms at inanimate objects. A concerned community member put up a road sign saying Please stop shooting the signs. You can imagine what happened next.
4. Wordsworth Strikes Back
Nothings more likely to spark a hasty housemate exodus than unforeseen eruptions of unhinged poetry. Which deranged corner of children's TV did this nutter hail from? And who tries to rhyme "clean it" with minute?" Tsk tsk.
3. Man Vs. Muppet
Once upon a-long-ago, we used to have this thing called the royal we. Perhaps the best known example would be Queen Victorias favourite verbal weapon, we are not amused. Of course, she should have said I am not amused, but when you wield the Orb and Sceptre over a nation of baying minions, you can get away with pretending to speak on behalf whoever else happens to be in the room at the time. However when youre an overly-cranky hippy who blows a fuse every time someone accidentally leaves a tap running, your insistence to speak on behalf of not just a small group of people but society at large reveals a Lithuanian-sized ego inflated by more self-righteous indignation than a Young Conservatives tea party. Also, what's with the gridlines? Does she need assistance to form her letters properly?
2. A Model Missive
Thats more like it. It can't be taken too seriously, so there's a good chance the perpetrator might not actually do the naughty thing youre asking them not to do. Its kind of threatening, but even the intended target will probably have a chuckle. Memos to housemates should only be done as a last resort, but if you have to do it as let's say you do shift work and you're not going to have the chance to meet face to face, then do it this way.
1. Have A Nice Day
Looks like weve hit the bottom. When someone at great length, almost incontinent-length in fact, maps out the logic with which they will absolve themselves of culpability for your murder all because you had the gall to mention dishes to them then you know theres no way back to the start. A supernova is imminent and you need an action plan. First, ensure if possible, that this guy is not in possession of an axe/firearm/hammer (we've all seen that movie Oldboy right?). Secondly, several jurisdictions have laws against making threats; you might want to contact a professional. Thirdly, they go or you do. They might have been your friend once. But that was another time. This house aint big enough for the both of you. Thats it for now, but rest assured, as long as there are people who arent family living together, therell be plenty more. So keep an eye out. The scariest thing about compiling this list was the occasional moment when we thought we recognised the hand-writing.
Nothings more likely to spark a hasty housemate exodus than unforeseen eruptions of unhinged poetry. Which deranged corner of children's TV did this nutter hail from? And who tries to rhyme "clean it" with minute?" Tsk tsk.
