22. Never EVER Being Able To Not Touch The Bloody Thing
The second you have a free moment, your hands will unconsciously be upon your beard, no matter how sparse it is. It's natural and inevitable, like the urge to cradle your genitals, and unfortunately, it makes you look like there's either something wrong with you (a skin condition beneath the bristles for instance) or you're trying really hard to look like some sort of scholar. Inevitably, this means you'll end up with twizzles and accidental beard dreads, making it look like it's auditioning to be lead singer in a 1996 Nu Metal band.
21. That Idiotic Time You Decide To Shave It Off
Worried that your beard is too fashionable? That it's making you look too old? Whatever you do, do not shave it off. Babies who once loved you will be horrified that a perfect stranger is pretending to know them, friends will walk straight past you in the street and worst of all, you will immediately be transformed from looking like a rugged lumber-jack to a 14 year old on the cusp of real manhood.
20. The Itch
No matter how much you clean, that bad boy is going to itch. And if you're sitting on public transport really getting your nails into it, someone is going to suspect that you've got scurvy of the face or something.
19. Age Shows On Beards First
You can have a head of luxurious thick black hair, and still end up growing a beard as white as Santa's thanks to a quirk of the Grim Reaper that he likes to remind you of your own creeping mortality by having a reminder that you're not long for this world on your face. In other words, you will go grey in your beard before it ever spreads to your head: swiftly followed, in fact, by your pubic hair. So clearly, the process starts with the most awesome hair and works its way down the cool gradient.
