4. 1,500 Hours With A Personal Trainer For Hatem Ben Arfa
David Davies/PA Archive/Press Association ImagesIf Newcastle's summer acquisition adventures are, inevitably, going to end in disappointment, then there's no shame in seeing if they can make more of the resources already at their disposal. Taking something that's maybe broken down a bit and polishing it back into a presentable state. Shabby-chic, but for footballers. Xabi-chic, if you will. And, with the quiet exception of salad bar in the boardroom, there's no resource at the club being as criminally underused as Hatem Ben Arfa. On his day a lightning fast, lightning brained, lightning strike of an inside forward, capable of leaving between 1 and 5 defenders planted on their derrières and making the proverbial something from the almost literal nothing. Unfortunately, the aforementioned "his day" hasn't been seen since the early months of 2013, and he now spends his time taking depressed selfies in one of Newcastle's many fried chicken outlets. However, for only one instalment of Bafetimbi Gomis' proposed weekly wage, his compatriot could hire a reasonably expensive personal trainer (£50 an hour, I've shopped around) for a whopping 1,500 personal sessions. Coincidentally, that's almost every waking hour until the start of the new season. Imaging the movie montage that would make. Dramatically closing his Instagram app and hauling himself out of his living room chair, kicking bargain buckets and coke cans out of the way as a former marine called Graham screams stock motivational phrases in his ear. A treadmill whirs into life, a calendar falls to the ground, and Hatem stands proudly in a pair of joggers that are now three sizes too big, cutting his Nando's card in half with a pair of scissors.