Right-Back - Miguel Lopes
It's not just that he's a little bit odd looking, and sports a haircut taken straight out of The Simpsons - it's that he quite clearly thinks he's a looker. Despite looking a little bit like someone has put Jose Enrique's large facial features on slightly wrong, and the very obvious work he's done on his eye-brows. Too much spare time after training, I reckon...
Centre-Back - Joleon Lescott
A forehead made for heading balls clear. Or small heavy good vehicles, for that matter, Lescott joins a long line of "interesting" looking centre-halves to have pulled on the England shirt. Bit harsh considering he was hit by a car at a young age, but there's a lot more to his look than his scars: his hair in particular needs sorting out - perhaps some tips from Wazza's barber...
Centre-Back - Paul McShane
Ah, Paul. Not content with being a bit ugly, McShane is also (as fans who have seen him play for their clubs) a woeful player, prone to catastrophic, comedy style errors in the worst positions. And why is one of his eyes so much smaller than the other? That can do nothing for his sense of perspective - actually, that might explain the comedy errors. Go on, lad! Do it for the gingers.
Left-Back - Juanfran
Very possibly the pastiest Spaniard I have ever seen, with wonderfully warm eyes, but little else to rescue him. Extra points for trying to hide his thinning hair with some obviously artful brushing techniques, as well.
Next Up: The Midfield