GRRM's writing has often been described as 'cynical,' an opinion hard won by throwing every character you ever loved on the narrative bonfire in increasingly traumatic ways. Sure, these guys should've learnt when Sean Bean lost his head in season one, but that's Sean Bean his presence pretty much guarantees death at this point. But it just. Kept. Happening. But for every nine people who starting re-adjusting the death clock whenever a fan favourite announced they were going to live happily ever after, there was one who was stubbornly optimistic. Maybe Robb will take Casterly Rock, have a son and live the rest of his days in peace. Wait... why's Roose Bolton wearing armour? And what're they doing with that direwolf head? OH GOD, NO! And the cycle continues.
9. Your Dad, Who Knows Nobody's Name
Just because your dad's older than you, it doesn't mean he too can't watch quality TV. Indeed, he's as much as fan of wall-to-wall nudity and outrageous violence as the next man, and he'd happily binge-watch a season if he had the time. But he doesn't. He's got responsibilities you know, like an adult so he can't dedicate as much headspace to the movers and shakers of Westeros. So while you can name all the Targaryen kings going back seven generations, he's still on the ground floor of geekdom, referring to characters by their defining attributes. Henceforth, Jaime Lannister will be known as 'stumpy,' Tyrion as 'the short guy' and Varys as 'captain eunuch.' He knows Hodor's name though, so that's a start.
8. The Non-Spoiling Book Readers
The one thing worse than loudly broadcasted spoilers is deafening silence. Silence could mean anything, and that's what you're afraid of. So when you ask about what's going to happen to Tyrion and they adopt the stony silence of an unimpressed step-parent, you're beyond worried. What could this mean? Nothing, that's what. They're merely being good. They don't want to spoil anything for you, so they're keeping schtum. But that just makes it worse why're they being so quiet? YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW! Meanwhile, they just sit there, baffled at your craziness, and silent as the grave.
7. The Traumatised Binge-Viewer
These guys came to the party late, and it's only through the grace of recording TV they received their invitation at all. They fell behind years ago, and sick of their friends' expressions of disbelief ("You haven't seen it? Are you ill?"), they decide they're going to tame the beast. Yet there's only so much GRRM-related trauma you're supposed to ingest in one sitting, and after so many back-to-back brutalities, you'll find them looking wistfully out the window with a thousand-yard-stare and shell-shock etched all over their face. All they can speak of is the Red Wedding, and in hushed, mournful tones. They've caught up now, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST?
6. The Fangirls
While the men tend to be more lecherous and downright disturbing ("no, we don't want to see your Daenerys fan-art"), you'd be a fool to think all that misappropriated fan-lust comes solely from one side of the gender divide. To their credit, the showrunners know this, and it's not exactly a mistake that the first episode just happened to put a shirtless Robb Stark, Theon Greyjoy and Jon Snow onscreen at the same time. Because if you've got people interested through the plot, you might as well keep them around with some fanservice. Hey, Kit Harington's got to earn a living somehow, right?
Durham University graduate and qualified sports journalist. Very good at sitting down and watching things. Can multi-task this with playing computer games. Football Manager addict who has taken Shrewsbury Town to the summit of the Premier League.
You can follow me at @Ed_OwenUK, if you like ramblings about Newcastle United and A Place in the Sun. If you don't, I don't know what I can do for you.
