Easily side-footed by a mention of Edric Storm, you'll spot a bluffer a mile away. They're the guys who can't tell there Starks from their Karstarks and no, the latter camp don't drive cars or aren't sufficiently up to date on Westeros's geopolitical situation. They haven't watched the show and just wanted to fit into your conversations, but they don't know how deep this rabbit hole goes. Because to us, the fact they don't know the ins-and-outs of Robert's Rebellion is such a huge gap in their knowledge you could drive a truck through it. It's mountain-out-of-a-molehill time, and you're first in our sights. You know nothing, pretend fan.
4. The Reluctant Significant Others
These guys love you, and just want to make the relationship work, dammit. So they'll put up with that show you love. They'll put up with being called 'my sun and stars' or 'moon of my life,' and know you mean well when you say your love is stronger than Valyrian steel. This is made all the more impressive by the fact and hold onto your hats here they're not too bothered about the show. It's good, sure, but if you weren't making your own Daenerys gown or Jaime Lannister doublet (for it is a beautiful doublet) and humming the theme tune every week, they'd be doing something else with their time. You'll want to hold onto them. They're a keeper.
3. Your Mother, Who Walks In On The Sex Scenes
Good old HBO. When they want to, they can always throw us a pretty spectacular sex scene. Of course, the point of these scenes often vary some build character, some act as plot devices and some merely exist as sexposition, allowing the writers to sneak in an exposition dump at a moments notice, knowing we'll be distracted. But one thing remains as constant as the northern star whenever one rears its nubile head, your easily shocked mother will be walking past with a basket full of ironing. Yes, she will cop an eyeful of Stannis and Melisandre awkwardly rutting on the Painted Table, and she'll definitely be doing the vacuuming while Littlefinger monologues over some very loud lesbians going at it hammer and tongs. Then she'll tut, and leave. And you'll be embarrassed, you dirty animal. She raised you better than this.
2. The Cryptic Book Reader
"Oh, so there's a wedding coming up? You might want to tune in for that one..." Why? What do you mean? Why did you say that? Now you're on the defensive whenever any characters mention getting married, and it's all down to these teases. In all honesty, they deserve their fun if you're going to read a collection of books that could double as breeze blocks, you're going to want something to show for it. And if that's rustling some feathers in a non-book-readers discussion forum before vanishing like a fart on the wind, so be it.
1. The Book Purists
Basically unpleaseable, a book zealot will drag the showrunners over the hot coals at the slightest whiff of change from book-to-screen, and will let everyone know about it. Because everything was better in the book. EVERYTHING. Oh, and Tywin Lannister doesn't like that in the books, so Charles Dance can go away. And did you see what they did to Gendry? Ridiculous. Don't even get them started on Tyrion's nose. It's not enough that it's been put on-screen at all it must be perfect, and totally perfect to boot. You know what people? This is why we can't have nice things.
Durham University graduate and qualified sports journalist. Very good at sitting down and watching things. Can multi-task this with playing computer games. Football Manager addict who has taken Shrewsbury Town to the summit of the Premier League.
You can follow me at @Ed_OwenUK, if you like ramblings about Newcastle United and A Place in the Sun. If you don't, I don't know what I can do for you.
