5 Sadistic Fictional Characters That Archer's Cheryl Tunt Could Pick As Her Valentine

4. Malcolm Tucker

Prone to describing his emotions using violent sexual imagery, the acid tongued spin doctor Malcolm Tucker, portrayed by the owl-like Peter Capaldi, from 2005's The Thick Of It and 2009's In The Loop might almost be too much to handle. Tucker, used to striking fear into the hearts of everyone around him would most certainly inspire warmed cockles in Cheryl's. If just a little verbal abuse is just enough to get her juices flowing, then Malcolm would turn her into a proverbial Orange Julius stand. If I may get a little blue here, but if you were Cheryl, wouldn't you fall deliriously in love with a man who whispered sweet nothings like this into your ear?: "Stop f*****g blinking or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it." "If you don't go and get me some cheese, I'm gonna rip your head off and give you spinedectomy." "Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your s*****r with a lubricated horse cock!" "You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your f*****g throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny." Did I mention he'd be saying all of this with a thick furrowed brow and an equally thick, exotic Scottish lilt? He's totally dreamy! Cheryl wouldn't have to worry about a loss of luxury, either. Malcolm Tucker only goes on the job in the best places. He does all of his shagging in Five Star Hotels and thankfully for him, the Tunt family owns a lot of them.