6 Vital Lessons... And Two Sh**ty Things I Learned About Life While Writing Thousands Of Jokes For TV

2. A SECOND PIECE OF SAUSAGE. Quick story. In 1997, I was a writer on The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn. I was also frequently on the show, "co-starring" in one bit or another. Cut to: Costco. I'm on line at one of the booths that are offering free samples. In this case, it was Aidell's Sausage. They make about 10 varieties. On the sample table were about a dozen crock pots. Inside each pot were quarter sized pieces of sausage that the person behind the counter would spear with a toothpick and give to customers to taste. I tried one flavor. Liked it. So, I asked the girl if I could have another. She said, rather tersely, "Sorry. It's one to a customer." As I slinked away, she called out to me: "Wait a sec. Hold on. Do I know you," she said? I said: "I don't think so." She: "I've seen you on TV, right?" Me: "Uh...Maybe." She: "You're on the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn, right? You're the writer in all those sketches with Craig." Me: (Sheepishly) "Yes." Her: (leaning in, conspiratorially) "OK. You can have a second piece of sausage." Amazing right? One second ago, I was some douchebag who wanted more than I was entitled. But, once I was a "celebrity" -- even one near the bottom of the celebrity totem pole -- but not THE bottom, everyone knows that Radio DJ is the lowest wrung on the showbiz ladder -- once I was "celebrity adjacent," I got more sausage. Rich celebrities don't need trophies, yet we give them to them anyway. Rich celebrities can afford to pay for first class, and yet the airline upgrades them for free. What's the point? Life is unfair. Unless you are a celebrity. In which case, life is awesome. Unless you have a crystal meth addition. In which case, it's "awesome-adjacent."