Season 4, Episode 16: 26 January 1973 The kids celebrate Mike & Carol's third wedding anniversary even later than they bothered to acknowledge the second. They pool their allowances to buy a silver platter to mark three years of their crazy progressive blended family. After being quoted 85c for the job, Jan wants to surprise everyone by getting the platter inscribed with the kids' names, except she misses two key words - 'per' and 'letter'. When she goes to collect the inscribed platter, she's presented with a bill for $56.23. Surprise turns to shock and poor Jan doesn't quite know where to look. Bobby and Cindy play the cutesy kid card again when they visit the local bank manager, Mr. Goodbody. Oddly enough the bank won't lend them $56.23, but they do each get a plastic piggy bank, a dime and an excellent lesson in collateral. So it's Jan to the rescue once again. She's done so many dumb things over the years, so she knows better than most that you must proactively right your wrongs. So she goes to TV station KBEX and signs them all up for a talent contest! Initially Greg seems to've forgotten his lyrical magic of the previous year: "we got about as much chance of getting on that show and winning first prize and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank." Jan convinces the kids to go for it just as the host of The Peter Sterne Amateur Hour calls to say they have an audition. What timing! Songwriter of the year Greg has a potential hit and some funky choreography ready almost immediately. To avoid detection, they rehearse their complex routine in the garage... the one in the backyard, in plain view of the house, with a great big driveway leading up to it, no door on the front and partition walls that sit mid-way between the ground and the ceiling. So they're secretly dancing and spinning and kicking in the open-fronted half-walled carport while Alice is in the yard looking under the partition and Dad's in the driveway parking almost on top of them but, of course, nobody sees through their pantomime explanations of what they're doing. Cut to the Amateur Hour set. The kids pass the audition with a poorly lip-synced rendition of "Sunshine Day". Greg now has until 10am tomorrow to come up with something even better! Against the odds he manages to crank out yet another song with "HIT" written all over it. The kids frock up in six of the cheesiest costumes ever known to man - a good match for the appallingly cheesy choreography - and perform "Keep On Moving" on the Amateur Hour the next day. And wouldn't you know it, that's exactly when Alice stumbles across the same show for the first and only time. But even after explaining the silver platter sob story live on air, they only claim third prize after losing out to some dancing poodles and goodness knows what else. What a gyp indeed, Alice! Lucky mom and dad saw the whole thing and now know exactly what's going on now. Conveniently, spooky Alfred from the department store calls again and it's a timely interception by mom and dad that gets the whole thing sorted before the kids even get home. When they do - looking and feeling decidedly dejected - they fess up to the morning's shenanigans and are speechless with joy to realise that Carol and Mike already have the inscribed platter. What a relief. Talk about happy endings.
I'm just a guy who loves words. I discover vast tracts of uncharted enjoyment by chucking words together and coming up with stuff that talks about the things I enjoy and love most. I'm also a massive listaholic, so I'm probably talking about a list, looking at a list or banging away at another What Culture list as you read this. My tone's pretty relaxed and conversational, with a liberal sprinkling of sparkling wit, wilting sarcasm and occasional faux-condescension - with tongue almost always firmly planted in cheek.
