10 Things I Hate About The Undertaker
3. He Should Have Retired Years Ago
The Undertaker’s last truly great match was against CM Punk in 2013. The WrestleMania XXX match in which he lost the Streak was terrible, badly laid out and poorly executed by both men... although certainly not helped by that vicious concussion a few minutes in.
His match against Wyatt at WrestleMania 31 was nothing, and it needed to be something. His matches against Lesnar last summer were a return to a state approaching form, but they weren’t great because Lesnar, ironically, is the Undertaker these days: overpowered, difficult/impossible to write for or to work with, restricted and hamstrung by the nonsensical comic book monster gimmick they’re having him play.
Back in the days of the American Badass/Big Evil character, when Calaway would perform interviews, he’d always say that he hoped that when it was time for him to hang up his boots - when he couldn't go in the ring like he used to - that the boys would let him know.
Clearly that's never going to happen. Either ‘the boys’ don’t have the balls to step up and say something (perhaps because, like me, they mark for Mark), or the Dead Man loves the thrill of working in front of a huge crowd far too much to ever leave.
It’s saying something that this year’s WrestleMania match was against Shane bloody McMahon. Everyone cheered when Shane-O turned up again, even though the last seven years have lost him the ability to remember lines or cut a promo, because it seemed like something new and different, and because the WWE trolled us by having him utter the same grievances about the product that most of us trot out on Tuesday mornings these days.
Instead it was something very old: the McMahons putting themselves over. The story made no sense in the build-up, the match made no sense in the execution, and the aftermath made no damn sense at all.
The Undertaker was a prop, there for a pop. He had that entrance and the Cell to remind people how cool he used to be, and then he had to go out and pretend that a middle-aged businessman half his size could hurt him with weak-a** jabs my baby daughter wouldn’t bother selling for.
It was embarrassing to watch, as an Undertaker fan of twenty-five years standing. So, yes: the Undertaker shouldn’t still be doing this. My vote would have been to have him redeem himself against Bray Wyatt after the fiasco of Lesnar: have the pair go toe-to-toe tag in Hell In A Cell, the only signature match of his that anyone cares about, and have the Undertaker’s win aborted by the return of the Wyatt Family, and the win go to the Eater Of Worlds.
Slip Bray a blade and have him leave the cage grinning, covered in blood, and surrounded by giants, and you’ve wiped out two years of 50/50 booking and made the man a star. That’s how The Undertaker should have retired. The man should have been in the Hall Of Fame by now, and planning the three-volume memoir to end all memoirs.