10 Things That Would Happen If Today’s WWE Wrote The Attitude Era

5. Michael Cole Becomes The Full-Time Jim Ross Replacement

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WWE.com

"It's Rattlesnake time!"

"Could it be? Oh, my! It is! It's Barry Windham!"

"That professionally-trained killer Ken Shamrock - he just loves to entertain!"

"That professionally-trained killer Dan Severn - he just loves to have fun out there!"

"That is vintage Kane, who incidentally debuted four months ago."

"I was talking to The Rock earlier today, and he said..."

As if the Rock would spend his time actually conversing with Cole. As if clearly fake exposition isn't rotten enough without the damaging idea of the WWE roster casually hanging with that dork in catering.

Michael Cole of course did commentate throughout the Attitude Era, but he was a different breed of insufferable; instead of relentlessly parroting clichés with the disgusting effect of a python slowly eating a large mammal in reverse, Cole operated as something that more closely resembled a human being. That human being, however, possessed the most godawful shrill voice, the nightmarish rising cadence of which substituted for gravitas.

"The dog poop! The dog poop!" he once infamously whined, completely indistinguishable to that of a four year-old stepping in it.

The 2019 VINTAGE! of Michael Cole would have polluted the lively, raucous Attitude Era with his dry-heaving polish, repelling the audience away from the super-over and bountifully entertaining performers.

Contributor
Contributor

Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and current Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!