10 Things That Would Happen If Today’s WWE Wrote The Attitude Era

4. New Ring Names For All!

stone cold steve austin stephanie mcmahon
WWE

Those names are too godd*mn long. The mouth-breathing f*ckwits of the WWE Universe cannot comprehend them, which is why these creatively-shackled performers who simply win and lose arbitrarily can't connect with the sports-entertainment enthusiasts.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, Christ, that's long. Too long! 'Steve' is a perfectly serviceable blue-collar name in and of itself, quite frankly. He's Steve! Unpretentious Steve! Unspectacular Steve!

We can't effectively promote anybody anymore, anyway, and so let's drop the Shamrock surname and not make use of his UFC celebrity. Same with Severn, too. That way, when they form a team of two guys who simply can't get along in whacky situations, somebody can call them Den, or Kan, minutes after they arrive to the ring with five seconds of one entrance music playing, and then five seconds of the other, because otherwise these idiots will change the channel in a state of profound confusion, not realising that this team is a team, before RAW rolls on.

Just Joe? No, just Just.

Snow?

You can call him Al, you dipsh*ts!

"Taz is about to debut, so no change required there, boss."

"PUT AN EXTRA F*CKIN' Z ON IT!"

Contributor
Contributor

Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and current Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!