10 Things Vince McMahon Has In Common With A Small Child

Vince McMahon didn't know whether he was 76 or 77. Turns out, he's a lot younger than that...

Vince McMahon Is A Child

Life as a parent to young children is as exhausting as it is fulfilling.

You get up in the morning and feed them. It takes ages, and they have to get to school, which is stressful. They have to get ready, but they don't want to get ready. You sometimes have to make a game of it, just so that it actually happens. Any parents out there after a tip?

Get them to pretend they're in the military. When you bark orders in a daft Gunnery Sergeant Hartman-style voice - stripped of the awfulness, of course - they'll find it funny and actually obey. For one morning, before they get bored.

You work, you pick them up, you tell them to get washed, they don't rinse the shampoo out, and when it's finally bedtime, they're either not tired, not remotely, or scared. And when they finally go to sleep, you look back on photos taken of the day and smile, knowing it's a love like no other.

Life as a parent whose brain is wired to compare most things to wrestling also yields compelling evidence that Vince McMahon is not a 77 year-old.

Genetically, Vince McMahon has more genes in common with a small child than an elderly man. Now that is scientific fact; there's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

Vince is a toddler, only without the fulfilling part, because he is a terrible person who resigned in disgrace. How?

Read on...

10. He Quickly Tires Of New Toys

Vince McMahon Is A Child

The average two-point-four children home doubles as a toy graveyard.

A child has an abysmal attention span, and if that child is lucky, they are spoiled rotten by their extended family and receive sacks of gifts on their birthday, many of which go barely used if they're even removed from the box.

No batteries?

Then no dice, guy: by the time you forget to add a box of AAs to the shopping list, that toy, shunted down the side of the wardrobe, will never see the light of day again. Have you ever tried to assemble a marble run? Even Pat Patterson would struggle to put that thing together.

A dinosaur complete with a roaring effect; a remote control car; every other wrestler to appear on Raw and SmackDown over the last couple of decades: they're all the same.

Vince pushed - or will push, the correct tense is tough to determine at time of writing - a wrestler for a few weeks. Then, when he gets frustrated that he can't get them to work, into the wardrobe they go.

Tucker sharing space with a school uniform that you haven't got round to taking to the charity shop yet: it's a cruel mental image, but that's Vince for you.


Writer, podcaster and editor. Deft Punk. Author of Becoming All Elite: The Rise of AEW, which is available to purchase at the following link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Becoming-All-Elite-powerful-Wrestling/dp/B09MYSNT71