To go all first person and earnest in my introduction for a moment, writing this column is often difficult. I consider it a challenge to write a weekly comedy column, and a daunting one at that. Crafting jokes is itself difficult, and it’s damaging to my confidence, knowing too well that humour is subjective: at least one person out there is going to read my work, and think, Jesus Christ. This guy is terrible and cringeworthy. I am making at least one person wish, momentarily, that they were dead.
It’s not my mere opinion I’m exposing to the world each Friday. I’m not here writing something like “The Undertaker Vs. Shawn Michaels was the greatest WrestleMania match ever.” This column is in effect an extension of the personality I use to build and maintain real-life social relationships.
A mostly rewarding labour of love, it remains a particularly crushing exercise on those weeks wherein little that is “insane” actually happens, and I’m forced to deep-dive into the minutiae of RAW. It’s like suffering decompression sickness all in pursuit of the tiniest, most sarcastic fish.
This isn’t one of those weeks. This is a week in which Enzo Amore paid tribute to the wrong dead wrestler on Twitter.
I guess, by revealing a part of the process and deviating from the usual format of performative snark that, oops, I’m breaking the fourth wall.
“Hey, David Starr. How ya doin’?”
5. Enzo Amore Wins The Award For The DUMBEST TWEET OF ALL TIME
We at WhatCulture Wrestling would like to extend our condolences to a recently-departed true wrestling legend.
A literally huge presence within the early WrestleMania years, he did so much to shape the Hulk Hogan mythology. A terrifying monster who projected more menace and personality with an understated black singlet than so many of his peers and successors did in full technicolour, we will forever cherish the day the Hulkster slammed him onto the canvas of immortality. Rest in power, André The Giant, and we loved you in the Princess Bride.
This is close enough to the dumbest eulogy of all time, in which the former Enzo Amore confused King Kong Bundy for George ‘The Animal’ Steele. Enzo wrote, reminiscing over a trip to MSG, that he “never forgot the guy w/ the green tongue who ate the turnbuckle”.
A couple of notes on this:
- King Kong Bundy is not George ‘The Animal’ Steele, obviously.
- Enzo Amore was born in 1986. According to Cagematch.net, Steele last performed ar Madison Square Garden in 1988, which places Enzo at just two years of age. To underscore how little Amore contributed to professional wrestling, this mastery of utter horsesh*t is the closest he will get to Hulk Hogan.
Bada boom, thickest tw*t in the room - how you doin’?