If WWE Was Being Honest About The Creative Writing Process

On the subject of Moxley, the man has defined his post-WWE run by thoroughly embarrassing his former employer. His post-match interviews throughout the G1 Climax are antithetical to his goofy nonsense as Dean Ambrose: they are fire. In just 90 seconds, he gets over, every time, as a cold-blooded killer—a winner—with skyrocketing confidence and a penchant for both ultra-violence and his new buddy Shota Umino.

90 seconds.

WWE, in contrast, ritually murders the third hour of RAW by demanding its performers drone on and on and on in the first. It isn’t just Moxley; the greatest wrestling promos of all time were succinct in their brilliance. To underscore just how endemic the problem is, the second-to-last episode of RAW available to view on the WWE Network is the June 24 broadcast.

From the time Seth Rollins opened his mouth (after temporarily removing his foot from it), to the time Baron Corbin and Lacey Evans slunk away, the segment lasted eight minutes and 37 seconds. The famous Austin 3:16 promo lasted one minute and 28 seconds. The Dusty Rhodes ‘hard times’ promo lasted three minutes and 29 seconds. That opening segment wasn’t just longer than those legendary promos: it was exponentially less organic, vital, memorable, passionate, witty, and effective.

You cannot remember a single thing Seth Rollins or Becky Lynch said, can you?

The words “We sure burned it down last night, huh?” were probably said, yes, but you can’t be sure. It was a tedious, long marriage of catchphrases and exposition. At best, it was inoffensive. At worst, WWE’s writing is so lame and childish that it makes the Ernest movies look like Mamet.

Here’s a quiz: which of the following isn’t an extract from a WWE promo?

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