If WWE Was Being Honest About The Creative Writing Process
1) “Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a little boy named Roman Reigns. And Roman Reigns, see, he had magic beans.”
2) “David went out into the neighbourhood, he ate every single mushroom he could possibly find, and thought “I’m gonna challenge that big, nasty, mean giant.” And he did. And the giant Goliath beat the holy hell out of David, and he was never seen again, until he was reincarnated as Finn Bálor.”
3) “Poopy farts pee and wee and boogers [fart noises].”
One and the same.
There exists an unlisted video of the WWE creative writing process on YouTube. It is astonishing. In it, various hacks explain the process and their backgrounds. If somebody literally satirised this process, they would never nail it with the same precision. Colt Cabana’s Creative Has Nothing For You was superb, but it was never this pointed.
“The writer’s assistants are also allowed to contribute creatively,” one writer says.
But the wrestlers are not FOR F*CK’S F*CKING SAKE.
Also, one hack says, and this is real, too real, “My experience is in everything but WWE.”
So the guy with no knowledge of wrestling is the guy tasked with connecting wrestlers to the public.
To reiterate: a totally ironic pursuit of perfection. And perfection, in this context, is dialogue so staged and artificial that it is impossible to take seriously. Nobody talks like this.
If WWE was being honest about the creative writing process, this f*cking abomination, they’d realise that it is the most expensive, wasteful, draining, damaging, pointless practise of a practise that is in itself redundant. And even when it’s good, it’s still that bit too slick, too staged.
Jon Moxley is getting over as the best talker in wrestling in endlessly re-watchable 90 second bursts of badass threats and hilarious, comedic asides. That is because, as a performer, he is naturally inclined to and very good at forging connections with people.
WWE stars, meanwhile, are drowning in a sea of 15 minute-long sh*t—and the writing is so bad that even the most popular stars don’t enjoy fame for that long.