The Secret Reason WWE Is Failing

You were jazzed about Shinsuke Nakamura getting his big push again, weren't you, with his cool old music and whoops, King Corbin eliminated him from the Royal Rumble. Sorry about that. Most of the other music is bad. You can't even hum a tune these days and none of the themes even suit the characters. WWE has located a strain of music worse than Bertha Faye's. At least you knew who they wanted her to be.

Black goo dribbled out of the mouth of Alexa Bliss last night, and if it's the Fiend's sickness pouring out of her or some b*llocks, just hit her with a Jackhammer, the efficacy of which is rather robust. It's a single shot, too. People were laughing at this sort of thing in 1991. Every other match ends via fluke roll-up or disqualification. About 90% of TV main events are made on the night in a way that exposes the entire show as transparently predetermined, which is suboptimal, since pro wrestling requires suspension of disbelief to function.

Look, WWE just is what it is and what it is isn't very good, largely as a result of Vince McMahon's insanity.

But there's also something more sinister in the recruitment to - and resulting complexion of - a roster that narrows WWE's storytelling scope. Essentially, if WWE wasn't multifariously awful and weird, its approach in this regard would make it hard to be good even if they were capable of being good.

As calculated by Twitter user Andrew Sanford, the average of the men who participated in the Royal Rumble match was 38.93. User 'ZoaB' elaborated that just two men fell under the age of 30: Otis and Dominick Mysterio, amusingly enough.

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