The WWE WrestleMania 34 Awards!

We got The Undertaker's 'bong!' - will he get our gong?

WWE

It was really nice of WWE to not only allow John Cone's son to win one of their tag titles, but also hand-craft the trophies for the Andre the Giant and Andrea the Giantess Battle Royals. Just a shame he wasted all that time on a Fabulous Moolah statue.

A good effort by young Nicholas, but if kids are going to learn, you have to be honest: those awards aren't going to win any awards. They looked more like booby prizes than anything you'd proudly display on your mantelpiece.

Not like our WrestleMania awards, which are as prestigious as they are pretty. And none of them have ever been won by Baron bloody Corbin.

Best match? Best wrestler? Save those tired accolades for another day. WrestleMania isn't really about the wrestling, and earnest assessments don't correlate with its status as sportsentertainmentpalooza. These prizes are for the really important things, such as who had the nicest hat (spoiler: it wasn't Brock Lesnar's w*nker beanie), who talked the most b*llocks, and who made the most pointed reference to Geordie rockers The Animals.

Roll out the red ring canvas... it's the WrestleMania 34 awards!

Editorial Team
Editorial Team

Benjamin was born in 1987, and is still not dead. He variously enjoys classical music, old-school adventure games (they're not dead), and walks on the beach (albeit short - asthma, you know). He's currently trying to compile a comprehensive history of video game music, yet denies accusations that he purposefully targets niche audiences. He's often wrong about these things.