What WWE Really Thinks Is To Blame For Poor Ratings

Alexa Bliss is better at tying her shoelaces than you, you thick, mouth-breathing f*ck.

On this week’s RAW, Alexa Bliss couldn’t tie her shoelaces together after five attempts, a joke I am explaining to you, the reader, because you are a thick, mouth-breathing f*ck.

Also on this week’s RAW, The Miz and Bobby Lashley engaged in a spat. Miz accused Lashley of not reaching his full potential in the challenging field of chinlock application; in response, Lashley reminded us all that he is a two-time Intercontinental Champion, before asking The Miz what he’s ever done, as if A) the Intercontinental Title means anything and B) Miz hasn’t spent the last seven f*cking years reminding us that he once headlined WrestleMania.

Miz reminded us that he is an eight-time Intercontinental Champion, a seven-time Tag Team Champion, a two-time United States Champion, and a former WWE Champion. Miz mentioned this himself, not that the lampshading excuses anything: WWE performers mostly just scream their Wikipedia entries into one another’s faces instead of engaging in storylines.

That was Monday, but it is every day: a constant stream of exposition regurgitated by performers and, f*ck you, the commentary team.

Imagine being told what is happening, relentlessly, suffocatingly, because you apparently didn’t understand what you just saw mere minutes ago. You didn’t get it, because you are a thick, mouth-breathing f*ck.

WWE must explain this to you.

After another tiresome opening talk segment—the cutting wit in which you just didn’t get, numb-nuts, which explained the deathly silence in the arena—Michael Cole very helpfully acted as your avatar, you donkey-brained f*ck. “I like the sound of that!” Michael Cole said, when Braun Strowman challenged Drew McIntyre and Braun Strowman to a tag team match.

“Will this match be made official?” he then asked, filling in for that pocket of mystified air you call a head.

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