WWE Money In The Bank 2019: Star Ratings For All 12 Matches

Money In The Bank represented something of a shortcut to the company that presented it; chronically adverse to long-term storytelling, this event nonetheless held the immediate potential for WWE to convince fans that elusive investment is worthwhile—by, just as an example plucked straight out of thin air, actually awarding the briefcase to a full-time performer they could take seriously as an impact player.

This…did not happen, obviously, and the way in which the show-long mystery was framed cruelly instilled belief.

Early in the night, cameras just missed an intriguing backstage scene, in which a brutalised Sami Zayn was discovered hanging by his feet in a sort of ornate horror movie scene. This did not look like the M.O. of chief suspect Braun Strowman, yielding in the process a fascination. This looked like an old Attitude Era segment concocted by the Brood, leaving several excited Twitter folk in a state of rapt anticipation over the in-ring debut of the new Bray Wyatt. It certainly did not look like something Brock Lesnar would do—could he even be ar*sed to present the body in Hannibal Lecter fashion?—but, oh lord, this was the mark of the Beast.

Money In The Bank 2019 was almost quintessentially WWE: the show’s conclusion widened the gulf between the office and the public, but the action was so hot that many will return, again, against their better judgment.

The Usos sing insults to the tune of the Spongebob Squarepants theme now, and it is all so, so horrible.

The opening Kickoff match featuring the best wrestler in the company if not the world played out in picture-in-picture, as if the other 45 minutes didn’t exist to hawk the show. When the cameras eventually captured the best wrestler in the company if not the world, he manoeuvred Jey Uso into the path of the colossus Rowan using his mat expertise, perfecting a unique isolate-and-destroy strategy within weeks of forming the team. Rowan looked great here, in his role as a winged brick sh*thouse, but then he shrunk to a few inches in size as WWE hawked the pay-per-view again. Jey and Bryan exchanged a bruising kick battle, before Bryan recovered to trap him in the LeBell Lock at the onset of a typically terrific finishing sequence.

That 50/50 nothing-at-all-matters finish, though, f*ck.

It doesn’t matter, because Daniel Bryan is forever over and Championships are largely meaningless and it’s as if everybody has made a silent pact to still care about them selectively sometimes. As a matter of principle, this was probably bullsh*t, but who even cares, really?

This is what the malaise does. Good match though.

Star Rating: ***1/2