4. The Couple Who Has Mistaken the Theater for a Brothel
I touched on this briefly in my
last article. I used to work in a movie theater, and take it from someone who had to break up a couple from continuing coitus during a screening of
Total Recall on a Monday morning: people don't want to see your unchoreographed Daddy dance with your lady (or man, let's not be exclusive, here). No one paid money to see you and your date compete with Kate Beckinsale and Colin Farrell in a sexy-off, because no one is expecting a high school freshmen couple to come out in first place. No one's going to say anything if you're holding hands. You can even throw a little peck to the lips before the actual movie starts. But when the opening credits crawl across the screen, you'd better keep yourself from getting too naughty. Because it's more than a public display of affection. It's an all-out smorgasbord of distraction. You're not being quiet. You sound like you're eating your popcorn off the floor, if at most you're just making out. Be courteous. Stay behind closed doors. Because I will use my broom. They took my nightstick and whiskey away when they hired me.