10 Insane Theories That Improve Bad Movies

7. In Kindergarten Cop, John Kimble Is Creepily Obsessed With Cullen Crisp

I'm sure that somewhere, locked away in Universal's vault is a far darker cut of Kindergarten Cop, which was promptly eschewed in favour of a lighter, more family-friendly comedy that's unintentionally funny, largely thanks to Arnie going through his self-deprecating phase. Anyway, Arnie plays John Kimble, a police officer who has been, as the film tells us, trying to nail drug dealer Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson) for years, and eventually goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to find Crisp's wife, Rachel, and offer her immunity to testify against him. The film becomes more a love story focused on Kimble falling for Rachel, and watching the film, a nagging thought persists; what if Kimble falls for Rachel because he is so obsessed with catching Cullen Crisp? He's spent an unspecified time, but presumably years, trying to catch the guy, perhaps putting his life on hold, having had a family who left him, and in order to reconcile his obsession with the man, sending him merely to jail is not enough anymore; he has to kill him, then hook up with - and going by Hollywood happy endings, presumably marry - his wife, and together they will raise the guy's son while he decomposes in a coffin somewhere. Imagine Danny Glover's character in Saw once his partner is killed? We're thinking he's that sort of obsessive.