12 WTF Harry Potter Fan-Fictions You Won't Believe Exist

In First Encounter the Hogwarts castle is a sentient being with feelings, needs and urges just like the rest of us and finds itself suffering from an acute bout of loneliness after all its wizard students have departed for the summer holidays.

Luckily for Hogwarts, the Giant Squid that resides in the murky depths of the Great Lake is more than willing to lend a helping tentacle to whisk its loneliness away. Thus follows a pseudo-sexual escapade in which the lascivious cephalopod penetrates Hogwarts’ erogenous zones – in this case, its windows and hallways – with all eight of its tentacles.

The unlikely pair indulge in a bit of light bondage along the way before the story reaches its climax (quite literally) with the Squid’s inky orgasm and Hogwarts nearly exploding from the sheer power of sexual gratification. Who knew a squid’s suction cups could be so pleasurable?

Choice Quote: ‘So caught up in the bliss, Hogwarts didn’t notice the giant squid slip in a third and fourth tentacle.’